Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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