FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
