I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
