I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
