Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
