My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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