Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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