You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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