i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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