Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
