Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
