I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
