When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Pants are for mortals
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
