I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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