Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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