you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
