just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
