how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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