before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
