I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
