You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
