how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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