I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
