Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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