I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
