God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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