i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize