Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Can I color on your dick again?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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