Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
