Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
