she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
