I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
