This is not my ceiling
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
