five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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