Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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