my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
then he tried to convert me to islam
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
