I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
