He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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