Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
