My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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