So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
