So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
