i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
