dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
