smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
