You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
