I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
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