Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Randomize
