did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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