I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
