If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
