Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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