Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
