hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize
