i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
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