I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
