We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just found a bag of teeth...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
