I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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