how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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