I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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