I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
