You really coming over, don't trick.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
