after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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