I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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