And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
