My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize