I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
