Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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