He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
How's work?
Spinning.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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