It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
