Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
